The Vampire's Crew
by NihonBara
Summary: Join the adventure of Alfred and his crew of misfits - an exiled Fae Prince from England, a fanfiction-obsessed Hungarian woman with a magical iron frying pan, and Tony, the navigator of their magical ship, as they try to outwit the Fairy Kings and the Vampire Council and save the world one adventure at a time. (The m-rating is only for the fanfic parody scenes)
1. Life Aboard the Queen Mab

**Note:** The **M** rating is only for the fanfiction-joke scenes. Those are written only to poke fun and parody stuff, many are things I have done or read in authors' work. None of this is meant to offend the sensibilities of anyone. This otherwise a T-rated story with some bad language in parts. Please enjoy.

(Sorry I posted this before but fanfiction was having a lot of problems after the turn to 2016. The stats weren't working and I decided to take it down until things were sorted. They seem to be okay now.)

Happy New Year!

* * *

 **Summary:** Not all vampire are pale, dour, and effeminate. Not all want to waste their immortality going to raves, repeating high school, and whining endlessly for all eternity. Well, most do.

Then there's Alfred. The most heroic vampire you'll ever meet who craves adventures, the high seas, hamburgers, and his glittery spray tan. Join the adventure as he and his crew of misfits - an exiled Fae Prince from England, a fanfiction-obsessed Hungarian woman with a magical iron frying pan, and Tony, the out of this world Navigator of their magical yacht, try to outwit the Fairy Kings and the Vampire Council and save the world one adventure at a time.

* * *

...

 _"N-no more, A-Amer-r-r-rica," Iggy sobbed. A sharp jerk on his leather leash reminded him of his place._

 _"No more talking," America growled possessively in Iggy's ear, biting the lobe, continuing to pump in hard and fast. "You're mine. Remember that bitch!"_

 _"Y-Y-Yes, master!" Iggy sniffled, tears and snot streaming into his mouth. He shouldn't enjoy this, but he was so hard. He was being humiliated in all the right ways._

 _His flesh still stung from the spankings, slapping, and whipping. The bruises of his inner thighs ached with each thrust. Oh, the things America had forced down his throat._

 _But it felt so good. So wrong._

 _And for the tenth time that night he came hard. Iggy wept inside._

 _"Good doggy," America said, petting him. "Now for your reward."_

 _Iggy whimpered as his master brought out the toys. His night had just began._

 _OOO_

 _( **Author Note -** Dun dun dun! Oh noes, what will become of Iggy? America so mean! Reviews mean love guys :)_

* * *

"I am a genius," Elizabeta declared, leaning back in her swivel chair. She threaded her fingers together and put them behind her head. Her eyes scanned over her post one more time. People didn't appreciate good fanfiction anymore.

Glancing at the time and seeing the red digits on her clock read 2:00 am, she yelped, "Crap. I stayed up too late." She added that to her author notes so her readers would know. She couldn't help it, her new story had been so inspired. The erotica had just poured out and she had to share it!

After all, she was the famous FryingPanQueen19 of fanfiction! She had over 80 devoted followers!

She sighed, realizing she had no time for a shower tonight and would take care of it in the morning. Her light-brown hair felt a little oily and she hadn't washed her face yet.

Massaging the bridge of her nose, she posted her new story and then shut the computer. After crawling into bed, she couldn't wait to see tomorrows response. Reviews made her heart glow! Even the trollish ones that called her a rotten woman, well, maybe not those. Still, she lived for the views!

After changing into her night gown, she snuggled into bed, relishing the cottony sheets and quilted bedspread. While she was on a ship, the Queen Mab, there was no sensation of rocking. When Arthur crafted the inside with magic, he made sure to make it where the ship's swaying on the ocean wouldn't be felt inside.

Or that's what Arthur told her.

Sometimes she thought it'd be nice to be rocked asleep. Shutting her eyes, she was out fast.

* * *

Elizabeta woke and nearly jumped into her seat. The cramped room only allowed just enough space between her bed and desk for the chair. After opening her computer and logging in, she scanned the story stats and fist-pumped in joy. "The Mile High Club", her new steampunk AU, was a hit. Fifteen likes, eight favs, and three reviews! All in one night.

She quickly clicked on the reviews and read each:

* * *

 _Tony_ chapter 1 (1 hour ago)

 _Daaaaam, girl. That was the bomb! Luv what happened to that fucking limey! He had it cuming! lol. Get it? Next update, hope America uses anal beads and some enemas on that limey bastard!_

* * *

 _The Hero chapter 1 (30 minutes ago)  
_

 _Wat the fudge did I read? Like wow... Iggy... wow. U write gud, but dang. Poor Iggy! Can 2 really fit in there? A real hero wuldn't do that!_

* * *

 _Jet'aime_ chapter 1 (3 hours ago)

 _Mon chere, your talent for perversion never ceases to amaze me! Ah, little Iggy - So cute how he begged. Tears suit his cute face. I await your next update!_

* * *

Eliabeta sat back, glowing with pride as she thought, "Three reviews". And the view count! Over 200! In just seven hours!

She was famous! Even the great Samurai-sama4 might fav her works now. He was a tentacle porn master who could make you feel for the characters - even the tentacles!

She had her page set to moderate anonymous reviews. Deciding to moderate and see if she mad more she clicked on the side bar and saw one listed. The review read:

* * *

 _guest_ chapter 1 ( _2 minutes ago)_

 _You are DEAD, Eliza._

* * *

"Crap," she said, just as the door of her cabin was thrown open to reveal a furious and beat-red Arthur standing there. She slapped the computer shut. "Igg- I mean Arthur, how are you?"

His left eye twitched, a vein visible in his square forehead. His nostrils flared with each exhale. In a tight voice, he asked, "What did I say about posting lies about me and Alfred?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," she said innocently. "I've not posted anything about you and Alfred's love affair."

"There is no love affair! We're business partners!" Arthur shouted. "And I certainly would never let him do any of that to me! And I wouldn't bawl like some damsel about it! I'd ripped the smarmy's gits throat out and watch him eat it!"

"Any of what?" She smiled, lifting a slender eyebrow as Arthur's face got redder and redder.

"Delete it," Arthur said.

She coiled a lock of her light-brown hair around her finger. "My story was about Iggy, who happens to be from England, and America, who… well you can guess where he is from."

Arthur's eyes narrowed. "Don't play dumb. Iggy just happens to have my features? And America just happens to have Alfred's?"

"They aren't the same. _America_ ," she explained, "wears glasses. Alfred doesn't. And Iggy is two inches shorter than you with a unibrow. Yours is just thick. His eyes are _lime_ green. Yours are forest-green with a bit of hazel. Completely different."

Arthur's eyes twitched again. "Take it down. Now."

"But it'll be my most popular yet," Elizabeta pleaded. "And it isn't about you! It's about Iggy! Iggy Malfoy and America Potter. It's a Harry Potter AU."

"Based on your perverted fantasy of me and Alfred," Arthur grated.

"About Iggy and America who have nothing to do with you. In real life you are a Fae Prince and Alfred is a vampire," she said. "But Iggy is a Slytherin who is _good_ at cooking," Arthur's glare deepened, "who accidentally curses himself while trying to undo his werewolf curse. His new curse makes him turn horny and into a werewolf if he's not screwed by a _seme_ within an hour. And Alf— I mean America is a Griffindor who was turned into an incubus by magic. He needs sex with a uke frequently and so… well they're perfect for each other!"

"Do you ever listen to yourself?" Arthur asked flatly. "That is the stupidest plot I've ever heard of! What moron would read that?"

"Oh, over a hundred and counting ~" she said proudly.

"Have you no shame?"

"Of course not. I'm a fanfic author."

He slapped a hand against his forehead. "You honestly expect me to believe it's not based on me and Alfred. They travel in a ship."

"An _airship_ ," she corrected. "Because it's steampunk. We travel in a magical yacht. No relation."

"Let me guess. After a ton of ridiculous and anatomically-impossible sex they fall in love at the end?" Arthur said dryly, crossing his arms.

"I haven't decided. I just make it up as I go along," she said with a grin. "But maybe some tentacle porn would be fun…Oh and America has a traumatic past that explains his dark behavior and helps Iggy forgive him for his abusive ways!"

"You… you…" he stared at it. "That's not how you write! That's not how characters are developed! A person does not go through horrible abuse and turn around say, 'Oh, you went through it as well! Well then, all's forgiven! Let's have a shag!' It's ridiculous and that dialogue! Why do none of your British characters sound British!"

"They says git and bloody," she defended.

"And they call 'rubbish' trash! They call 'lifts' elevators! Boots are trunks! And don't get me started on how they use 'quite'!"

"Art, it's no big deal. So the English speak _quite_ like Americans."

"Take it down."

"C'mon Arthur. Fanfic could be a great way for you to accept your repressed sexual desires for Al."

At that comment, Arthur's eyes lit up. She saw the explosion coming and grabbed her iron frying pan — iron was how you deal with a fairy.

* * *

 _Click_.

Alfred snapped another selfie as he posed shirtless in the cushioned interior of his coffin. He looked at it and deleted it. It needed a more gritty gaze. One that said 'do you need heroic assistance?' His instagram fans would love it. Who couldn't love the heroic him?

He had over 200, 000 fans of TheHero4ever69.

"GET BACK HERE!" He heard Arthur roar from down the hallway and heard Elizabeta's hurried foot steps run by his cabin door, followed by Arthur's heavier one.

Alfred sighed and hopped out of his comfy coffin with the American-flag blanket, pillow and his stuffed teddy bear. It sounded like Arthur had read Elizabeth's new fanfic.

Tony had texted the link to Alfred earlier with a "You gotta read this shit. Too funny! The Limey will fucking lose it!"

Alfred had no doubt Tony had also sent the link to Arthur who probably read it first thing in the morning when he woke up and saw that text. As a vampire, mornings were Alfred staying up late. He knew he should start sleeping, but with Arthur and Elizabeta yelling from the dining area, there would be no sleeping now.

He stopped and picked up one of the silver canisters of Brazilian Sparkle Spray from the table, shook it, and sprayed a light coat over his toned chest. He couldn't stand being pale like most vampires and he loved the way it made his skin dazzle and sparkle like diamonds in light.

He would sometimes piss Arthur off by looking at the Brit with his sexiest gaze and asking, "Do I dazzle you?"

Plus it was rich in vitamin E — it said so on the canister — and that surely couldn't be bad for a young vampire.

Then he headed out the door to heroically save Elizabeta who was circling the polished pine table with Arthur running in a circle after her. She kept hefting her iron frying pan — the only thing that neutralized the Fae Prince's magic — and he would stop, hesitating until she dropped a new comment about the fanfic and that set Arthur off again.

They might have kept going until Tony appeared in the oval mirror on the wall.

"Are you idiots done?" Tony said. His grey, bulbous head and large insect-like red eyes in the mirror. He was the Navigator and stayed up to guide the ship.

"Hey Tony!" Alfred said with a yawn.

Elizabeta stopped in her tracks and so did Arthur.

"Great story, Liz," Tony said. "I love how you stuck it too that Iggy fellow."

"Rot in hell," Arthur said, grinding his teeth. "Is there some reason you're blathering?"

"Well, limey bastard, Al's whale came back from scouting. We'll reach the island by sunset," he said.

"Oh good, I can get some heroic beauty sleep until then," Alfred said. "And maybe some fresh blood." He was tired of the blood bags. Arthur only gave him blood when he had to go out in the sun. Without that incredibly-delicious fae blood, Alfred would be American barbecue within minutes.

He wished there was a way to make blood taste like hamburgers. Then being a vampire would suck less. He chuckled at his own joke.

"Good. I could use some earth under my feet," Arthur said. "I feel so cut off being at sea all the time."

"By the way, Liz, are you free to roleplay around noon? Your post inspired me to update mine. Since _someone_ got me blocked and taken down on fanfic I've had to use Archive," Tony said, directing a glare at Arthur.

"Your _work_ was vile," Arthur said.

" _The Limey Bastard Gets Bukkake'd_ was a stroke of genius," Tony defended. "Anyhow, I'd like to roleplay if you're free on a _new_ story."

"Don't you dare," Arthur said.

"Go ahead. Try to get me blocked," Tony said, grey lips in the smile.

"That is it!" Arthur snapped. "I'm going to write the most disgusting fic of you two ever. You'll see how it feels."

"You mean us? Together?" Elizabeta and Tony looked repulsed.

"Ew," Alfred said. "Arthur that's gross."

"Have you no decency?" Elizabeta said. "No one wants to read about Tony and Elizabeta. If you're going to write a non-con about me atleast put thought into my pairings."

"That's right," Tony agreed. "There are limits. If you're going to post your revolting perversions, think about the pairing. And also that I'm a top. Always."

"It's true. As fanfic writer, I'm touched you're thinking of me, but you can't act out your sick desires on just _any_ pairing. That's like adding an OC. Think of your readers."

Arthur's mouth worked as he looked beyond furious.

"You're all idiots! Insane idiots! And you!" He pointed an accusing finger at Alfred. "Why are you not offended by this?"

"By what?"

"Them writing you like that! They made you a rapist!"

"They're writing about dark America. Duh," he said. "A fictional character."

"Are you stupid! It's clearly you!"

"Artie, you're being sensitive. America wears glasses. I don't," he said. "Duh."

"I hate you all!" Arthur said and stormed off.

"Drama queen," Tony said, shaking his head. "Limey bastard drama queen."

Once he was gone, Elizabeta turned to Tony and was like "Yeah, so I'm free then. I was thinking we need to spice it up."

"How about triple penetration?"

" _Oooh_ ," Elizabeta squealed. "And I was thinking we bring in some watersports! And an escape attempt that fails and America has to punish him _badly_."

Alfred shook his head as they had worse and worse ideas. Why was everyone on this ship weird?

The only thing anyone really needed to get excited about were the pictures on his instagram account. And hamburgers.

Stretching, he yawned and padded back to his room.

Alfred just went back to get some sleep.

This was life aboard the Queen Mab, a magical ship disguised as a yacht that sailed the world.

* * *

( **Note —** Thank you for reading! This is more a comedy and a parody than anything serious. It doesn't just poke fun at fanfiction and hetalia, I also borrow from other genres. The sparkly spray tan is a reference to glittering vampires in twilight.

Many posts may be out of chronological order just because I want to write a gag.)


	2. Hide The Alcohol

These are not in chronological orders. This is about 2 am after their first visit ashore. These are just a bit of fun.)

* * *

 **Hide The Alcohol  
**

* * *

A heavy cloud of smoke hung in the air from the Cuban cigar Tony was smoking. Elizabeta, Tony — on a high chair meant more of for a baby — and Alfred were all crowded around the round pine table of the den, the lone light above shining on them.

A half empty bottle of whisky stood next to its empty brother. There were three glasses for each and all were filled to the brim. Eyes darted between each other, each trying to guess the others intention in their intense battle.

Finally, Tony spoke and asked, looking toward Elizabeta, "Do you have a ten?"

Her pink lips curved up in a smug smiles. "Go fish."

"Son of fucking bitch!" Tony growled, grabbing a card and downing another shot. Alfred refilled his glass shortly after. Tony glanced around, drawing in a strong puff from his cigar. "Is there a fucking mirror in here or something? How the fuck do you not have anything I ask for?"

"Whine, whine, whine," Elizabeta said and turned to Alfred, her green eyes narrowing. He grinned.

"Ready for your hero," He said, cheeks a bit rosy. He had fed on Type A before going out on the town with the others. The three of them had come back less than an hour ago. Arthur had stayed out, said he had business to take care of.

"Do you have an ace?" she asked.

"The Hero always has an ace up his sleeve," he said with a wink, tossing her an Ace of Hearts. Then he took a shot. He turned to Tony, "Do you have a King?"

Fucking hell!" Tony snapped, throwing the King of Spades on the table. Alfred snatched it up. "Hope you fucking choke on it. I hate this game!"

Elizabeta glanced at the clock, saying, "Arthur's a little late coming home."

"Eh, he's fine. Artie's a fairy so he likes being on land."

"That fucking limey is probably trying to win more of those stupid fucking plushies from that poorly-named machine you humans call a UFO catcher. He'll probably fuck them when he gets home."

"Artie doesn't fuck his toys," Alfred said.

"No, but he does play with them," Elizabeta joked and smiled when Alfred gave her a flat-look. "Just kidding."

Alfred's bright red Hawaiian shirt was unbuttoned to leave his bare chest visible and sparkling in the light. The type A always got him a little goofy in the beginning. Type B just made him grumpy.

"This is stupid," Tony said, throwing his cards down. "Let's play another game."

"You're just grumpy because you aren't winning," Elizabeta said.

"One could say you _suck_ ," Alfred joked. Neither looked amused, but he thought he was hilarious.

"So Tony," Elizabeta said, putting her hand down. "What I was saying about Samurai-sama4," Tony groaned, "Just wait. His works are great. He has 4,000 reviews on one of his stories."

"For the last time Eli, I don't fucking care. He adds feels to his stories, Eli. _Feels_ ," Tony said, throwing up his hands as if it was the most horrible thing ever. "Do I look I give a shit about _relationships_? Or any of that fluff crap. Give me good 'ole fashion butt-rape."

Alfred groaned, taking a swig of whisky. "Not this, guys."

"C'mon, Tony. Don't you want a little tenderness and romance in a story? Lord knows I love my erotica, but emotions are nice." She said and gave a sigh with a far-off look.

Tony crushed his cigar into the ash tray. "Listen sistah," he said, munching on popcorn from the large bowl they'd set out. "I respect you as an author, but if I'm gonna read some shitty fic I expect an anal probe or two. And I don't want to be tricked into having _feels_ for the damn anal probe."

"You guys need a better hobby," Alfred said, snapping another photo of himself with his I-phone 6.

They both chortled and Tony said, "Yeah, because being fucking body candy is so much more important than navigating this piece of junk."

"I'm glad you're finally getting it," Alfred said, winking at Tony who's grey upper brow crinkled.

"I cook breakfast, Al." Elizabeta patted her frying pan for emphasis. "What do you do?"

"Lunch, duh. If you guys would just learn to enjoy my hamburgers," Alfred said, "And I'm the ship's mascot. Here to keep morale up."

There was a rapid fire click of three more photos being taken.

Elizabeta chuckled and then asked, "I've been wondering for a while. Who does Arthur keep talking to? I've caught him sometimes having arguments with no one. Is he… erm?"

"Crazy?" Tony said. "Of course. That fucking Limey always talks to his _invisible_ friends."

"He says he chats with his _fairy_ friends," Alfred said with a shrug. "It's best to just accept that Arthur is Arthur."

"You know what's really creepy," Tony said. "The inside of his room. Holy shit." Alfred nodded in agreement.

"You've seen it?" Elizabeta asked. "He said if I set foot in there I'd turn into a stuffed toy. He told me he'd hexed the heck out of it. How did you get close?"

"A secret camera," Tony said. Alfred shot in a questioning look. "I was curious. Now I'm mentally scarred for life. How'd you get in there?"

"He was drunk." Tony and Elizabeta shuddered. "I need to get him to bed. It was like trying to pry a barnacle off."

"That's why you just fall into bed with him and let your passions take over," Elizabeta said, clasping her hands together, eyes lit with some bizarre fantasy that Alfred wanted no part of, but suspected he was very integral. Shaking out of it, she asked, "So what's it like in there? Is it gothic? Full of celtic art?"

"That would be cool," Tony said. "The best way I can describe it is take the sickliest, sacharine-coated Katy Perry video you can, drizzle it in my Pretty Pony sparkles and rainbow dust and it's still not. fucking. cute enough."

"That bad, huh?"

"It's not that bad," Alfred said. "Although he does have one hell of a unicorn animal collected. Fifty-six in all." Tony gave him a look. "He knocked them over when I was trying to put him to bed."

"Why would you count them?" Elizabeta quirked an eyebrow, taking a handful of popcorn to munch on.

"I guess you haven't noticed. You only recently joined. But since becoming a vampire I've been struggling with _arithomomania_ ," Alfred explained.

"Aritho… what?"

"Allow me to demonstrate," Tony said, flipping over the popcorn; the golden kernals scattered across the table.

"Dammit, Tony!" Alfred said, already dividing them into groups of five. "That's not funny!"

"You're right," Tony agreed, adding darkly, "It's fucking _hilarious._ "

"What is aritho-whatever?"

"It's OCD for counting," Alfred said, never looking up, lips moving as he silently counted. "One in ten newly sired vampires have a chance of getting the condition. Lucky _fucking_ me."

Jerking a thumb at Alfred, Tony said, "If you have a bag of poppy seeds and you spill it — it's fucking priceless."

"That's wasn't funny," Alfred said. "I didn't any rest that day. And really 342,625.4 seeds. You asshole."

"So you need to count things?"

"Only things that spill out," Alfred said. "And I only started to have this problem a decade into being a vampire." He sighed in relief when all the popcorn was back in. He shoved it back toward Tony. "Thirty-three dipshit."

"Al, I have to admit you're not what I expected of a vampire," Elizabeta said.

"Yeah, we'll join the club. Arthur said the same when we met. I should tell you about that sometimes. That was a helluva story. Word of warning, most vampires are whiny bitches. They whine about everything. Hollywood got that spot-on. That's why I had to get away. When I met Arthur, I got my chance to escape my Sire."

"Your sire?" she said. "Is he or she like the one that turned you?"

"Yup. And it's a _he_. Oh and he is bad, bad, bad news. This Romanian dude who is uber important in the vampire world. I think he's kind like of the Elite or something. That's why I stick to the open seas. He didn't exactly release me from my bond," Alfred said with a laugh, rubbing at his nape. "I kinda escaped thanks to Arthur."

"What did Arthur do?"

"Well… when vampires that old take a sireling — me — they can only take one until that one is killed — really killed — or they release them. He was such a bore. I got sick of being around him and he kept refusing to let me go. Then Arthur came along and his fairy prince blood neutralizes the control of the Sire Bond. Without Arthur, I'd be vulnerable to my Master's summons again." Alfred shuddered. "Life out here with you guys is way more fun."

Elizabeta had an intent look in her eyes and asked, swallowing hard. "Did he… make you… do stuff?"

"Oh God yes. I'm compelled to obey. I had to do all sorts of unheroic stuff like hunting, listening to him bellyache, and… why are you looking at me that way? Wait… are you? Craps, Liz, really?"

"S-sorry," she said, cheeks pinking. "I guess my imagination got the best of me. How did it happen?"

"I was backpacking in Romania. He seemed like such a nice, friendly dude. I was caught in the pouring rain and he knew a castle I could spend the night in."

"And you fucking did," Tony said, shaking his head. "The guy afraid of ghost —."

"Not afraid. A little concerned," Alfred interrupted. "And the castle seemed really warm. What can I say? Oops?"

Tony put up his palms, tilting his head. "Shit, Arthur's back."

"Crap!" Elizabeta grabbed the half-full whiskey bottle and tucked in under the table, throwing her green shawl over it just as Arthur entered, a unicorn plushie tucked under his arm.

"Well, if it isn't the fuckin limey with a new fuck-buddy."

Ignoring Tony, Arthur came over, sniffing the air and studying the empty whiskey bottle. "I see you tossers have been drinking. Have anymore?" They all quickly grabbed their drinks and chugged back. Elizabeta ignored the burn, smacking her lips.

"Sorry, Artie. All gone." Alfred said, setting his glass back down.

"All? But didn't we buy two bottles? I see only one."

"We recycled it," Elizabeta said quickly. "I know how you hate mess."

"And it's important for the environment," Alfred added.

"Should of known you selfish lot wouldn't save me a drop," Arthur said. "I'll have to get more tomorrow night. I could use a drop." He said, yawning.

"Night, Artie," Alfred said as Arthur waved without looking back and headed down the hall. When he was gone, they all sighed in relief and slumped in their seats.

"That was close," Elizabeta said. "I think I wanted to jump overboard last time he drank. It was one sob story after another. My shoulder was soaked with his tears. And he wonders why he — I mean Iggy — is the _uke_ in my stories."

"I swear if I hear one more of his pity rants, I'll set this ship to self-destruct," Tony said.

"There's a self-destruct?" Elizabeta asked.

"No, but there will be," Tony said, "in the fuckin' limey's room."

* * *

The next morning Alfred was woken by a smug-looking Arthur. "Wh-what is it?" Alfred said, bleary-eyed.

"Little Lizzie was busy," Arthur said, tossing his kindle onto Alfred's stomach. "I hope you can finally understand my feelings on this matter."

"Huh?" Alfred sat up, reading out loud, "Chapter 6: The Sire."

* * *

 _… "You were foolish to escape me, America," The Romanian Vampire King said, fingers digging into the side of America's firm jaw. "You will always belong to me. I don't care if you become a Griffindor you will always be an incubus — I created you for one purpose. To be mine!"_

 _"N-No, Master," America said, struggling, but those glowing red eyes compelled him._

 _"Kneel," The Romanian ordered; it echoed in America's mind. "I will teach you the folly of trying to escape me!"_

 _"No. I am free! I am independent!" America said._

 _"KNEEL!"_

 _America fell to his knees, thinking of his poor Iggy. All the things he had done to him. He had been horrible._

 _"Good, boy," The Romanian said, petting America. He undid his fly, letting it all hang out. America averted his eyes in disgust. "Now drink." He chuckled darkly. "It'll taste like those vile hamburgers you love."_

* * *

America let the kindle drop, his eyes wide. He looked from Arthur to what he read.

"See what it feels like," Arthur said, leaned against the door frame. "And it gets much worse."

"Liz wrote this?" Alfred asked in a serious tone. Arthur nodded. In a blur of movement, too fast for the naked human eyes, Alfred was behind him standing in the hall. His blue eyes blazing, the kindle in one hand. "Lizzie!"

Arthur followed, "You finally see what I've been grousing about!"

At Elizabeta's door, Alfred knocked hard on the door, fangs peeking out from his upper lip. After a shuffling sound, the door opened a crack and Elizabeta peeked out.

"Alfred?"

He held up the kindle screen and angrily pointed. "Did you write this?"

"Y-yes," she said, looking nervous. Arthur smirked, crossing his arms.

Alfred said in a tight voice. "What did I say about abusing hamburgers?"

Arthur's mouth fell open and he gaped.

"I'm sorry, Al. I'll change it at once," she said. "Would pickles be better?"

"Those go on hamburgers."

"Tomatoes?"

"I like ketchup."

"Brocolli?"

"Acceptable," he said.

"All right. I'll fix it," she said and shut the door.

Alfred grinned at an Arthur who looked too filled with anger to make a coherent statement. He handed back the kindle. "Well, glad that worked out." And Alfred walked away proudly. "I hate to see hamburgers misrepresented."

"You bloody git! Are you barmey!" Arthur yelled, stamping a foot. Sometimes he hated the idiots he had chosen to travel with.


End file.
